Tumblr, Inc
by st3v.j0bs
Summary: A new employee for Monsters, Incorporated arrives from the human world, but then things start tumbling down. (All characters similarities to real people are coincidental, especially the ones based on real people)
1. Chapter 1

Monsters, Incorporated was a great place to work. In the monster world (which is different from the human one) monsters need energy to operate machines that browse internet all day long! However, to get this energy, the monsters need to get screams from children in human dimension. This is easy because, well duh, you know, monsters are very scary! And you know, everyone has already seen Monsters, Inc, so I shouldn't be explaining this cause you smart readers know all of this shit already.

Our story begins in the Men's Monster Lockers™. All the male monsters were getting ready to scare all the little humans. But, unfortunately, it is Monday. Nobody wants to compete to be the best scarer in Monsters Inc on this day because, like humans, they hate Mondays.

"MY NAME IS MIKE WAZOWSKI AND I HATE MONDAYS" screamed a little green eyeball monster named Mike Wazowski. Mike Wazowski is what Shrek would be like if he came from hell and all his ogre parts melted off. His eyeball was pumping blood so much because its so big, so it was always bulging.

"God Mikey shut up" said Sulley. Sulley was Mike's partner in crime (not really) and was the supreme scarer of the team. With Mike's big ass eyeball and Sulley's scaring skills, they were always #1 in the scareboards!

Suddenly, the intercom blared out an announcement. "_All monsters please report to monster party room we have new employee so please, all monsters please report to monster party room for intense partying_"

"God dammit I didn't spray enough body spray on my eyeball," whined Mike Wazowski. "Come on Mikey lets go party," said Sulley.


	2. Chapter 2

So every monster of all kinds went to the party room to meet the new employee. All the monsters were confused. _Where's the new employee? When can we begin the party already? _Then suddenly at the podium in the party room, the CEO of Monsters, Inc, Henry J. Waternoose the Third, came up to the mic.

"Uh, hey guys, we've got a new monster to join us but the thing is," the room was dead silent, "it's a hooman."

Then the room exploded in fear and outrage. The crowded party room turned into complete chaos.

"OH MY GOD A HOOOMAANNNN?!" screamed George Sanderson.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIEEEEEE" yelled Celia Mae.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" hollered Needleman and Smitty.

"PLEASE CALM DOWN I HAVE SOMETHING TO EXPLAIN" boomed Henry J. Waternoose the Third.

Eventually, the screaming and crying died down enough so that the CEO could explain the situation. "The thing is, the hewman was so hated and feared by every other hooman that she was exiled, that's how scary she is. Also our good friends at the CDA (Child Detection Agency) already cleaned her of human disease and she'll start working here tomorrow!"

A chorus of relieved sighs filled the room. "Okay, here she is everybody she is called The Pink One!"

_Oh god why is it so fucking pink my eyeball is burning, _thought Mike Wazowski as he looked at the Pink One's hair as she walked up to the microphone stand. The Pink One took a long time to walk up to the mike. She wanted all the monsters to notice her pretty pink hair. When she finally walked up to the mike half the monsters were asleep. Then she screamed so hard that the sleeping monsters ran out of the room in fear.

"**HELLO MONSTERS INK YOU CAN CALL ME THE PINK ONE I GOT THAT NICKNAME FROM TUMBLR HAHAHAHAHA IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET I GO ON TUMBLR AND I ALSO WRITE LOTS OF FANFICTONS**"

The monsters that remained in the party room were all covering their ears for fear of being deaf. When the introduction finally was over Mike Wazowski screamed, "LEEEETS PARTY"

All the monsters in the room, save for the Pink One, took off their Monsters Inc hats since those were the only clothes they wore. Then Monsters Incorporated's resident tentacle monster started to give several monsters the time of their lives. More than 20 monsters were riding the tentacle monster and the tentacle monster was enjoying the attention. Roz the gigantic lady slug was fucking Sulley, spreading her slime all over his long blue fur coat.

"Mmm, I haven't had this much fun since college," wheezed Roz.

Meanwhile, Mike Wazowski grew a large green penis out of his gigantic eyeball and started to fuck his girlfriend, Celia Mae.

"Ohohohohoh, Mikey, lemme use my snake hair to suck yo dick." And Mike said "Yeah baby do it for the Wazowski."

The only person that wasn't participating was the Pink One, who was still standing at the mic. She was very confused at the way the monsters partied, and was upset that the monsters no longer gave her their attention. She did not enjoy this monster mash.

"**OMG WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HOW COME I'M NOT DOING IT WITH YOUUUUUU?!**"

All the monsters stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the pink one. "Can your hair give blowjobs like my girlfriend?" asked Mike.

"**WELL YEAH SURE LET ME DO YOURS REAL QUICK ELL OH ELL**"

And then the pink one jumped down from the podium and proceeded to give Mike's eyeball penis a blowjob with her pink hair. All the other monsters crowded around the display, curious about the ways of hoomans. After several minutes of this, Mike Wazowski screamed in pain.

"OH FUCK WHY IS MY DICK ALL PINK AND GREASY?"

He writhed in pain as the pink grease streamed down his dick and into his gargantuan eyeball. Celia Mae was at his side, comforting Mike as much as she could as his vision faded away. After a few minutes of moaning and the unmistakable searing noise of acid, Mike lay on the floor of the party room, his eyeball dick plopped to his right. At that moment, Mike Wazowski knew that he will never see again.

"**TUMBLR WINS AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**"

All the monsters backed away from the Pink One immediately. Now they understood why the pink one was exiled out of the human world. And they shuddered to imagine what would happen if more pink ones came to their world.

"GOOGELY BEAR? GOOGELY BEAR! LOOK AT ME GOOGLEY-WOOGLEY!" screamed Celia Mae as she shook Mike Wazowski's limp body.

She turned towards Sully. "SULLEY-WULLEY! PLEASE! HELP ME!" Sulley looked at Celia. He shook his head solemnly, with a depressed expression on his face. The fire of the party that was once in all the spirits of the monsters is now quenched. All of the monsters knew that they could do nothing but watch.

"Schmoopsie, I… I can only see pink now…" moaned Mike Wazowski.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, after the party, all the monsters reported to their stations and were ready for work. All the monsters thought that today was going to just be business as usual. But today was only going to be another wild ride they could never get off of.

Mike Wazowski was in the hospital after yesterday's 'incident'. Sulley needed a new assistant to help him with collecting the screams of little humans. Sulley was waiting for his new assistant in the ofice. As soon as he saw who his new assistant would be, Sulley simply said, "No." and strolled out of the building, effectively quitting Monsters Inc.

"**AHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCH A REDDITOR LOL**" said the pink one as she walked to the Scarefloor.

"**WELL SINCE I DON'T HAVE MY PARTNER HERE ANYMORE I GUESS ILL HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF LIKE THE STRONG WOMYN I AM**"

All around her monsters were walking in and coming out of various closet doors. When she walked to her station, a door was already ready to be opened. She looked at her case file and noticed that she was meant to scare a boy. His profile picture featured the 6 year old playing with a firetruck.

"**OH MY GOD I HATE THE PATRIARCHY FUCK THIS'LL BE EASY I BET HE GOES ON 4CHAN TOO THOSE MYSOGINISTS**"

The Pink One walked into the door to find that the child was sleeping in a Shrek bed. She sneaked real quietly to the boy, avoiding the kid's gadgets and gizmos. Then, the Pink One loomed over the boys bed. The boy, noticing something wrong, shot his eyes open. Even though it was dark, the boy could still make out a shit ton of pink hair. He rubbed his eyes and sat up on the bed. Then, the Pink One spoke.

"**FUCK OFF BACK TO 4CHAN YOU MISOGYNIST. GOD YOU GIVE ME HEADACHES THINKING ABOUT ALL THOSE TIMES YOU RAPED YOUR FEMALE CLASSMATES. THAT'S THE ONLY THING YOU 'MALES' LIKE TO DO HUH? YOU'RE AFRAID OF A STRONG WOMAN LITTLE BOY**"

The little boy was so scared, he didn't know what to do. So he started to wail. Unfortunately, his cries for help could never reach his sleeping parents in time. "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"**OH WOW NOW YOU'RE CRYING. GROW UP! STOP WHINING AND GET OVER IT! SUCK IT UP LIKE A MAN! YOU DON'T HAVE IT AS NEARLY AS BAD AS US WOMEN! YOU'RE JUST AFRAID OF LOSING YOUR MALE PRIVELIGES. WELL ILL HAVE YOU KNOW IM A BIPANFLUIDGENDERED NEUTRALKIN WITH PRONOUNS NI/NO/NEE AND ILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU SITTING IN YOUR BED AND CRYING IS ABLEIST AND YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING STOP. GOD STOP RAPING ME YOU PATHETIC MANCHILD AUGH**"

The boys body could take no more of this stress. He lay in his bed, dead, with pink hairs covering every square inch of his body.

"**HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT THIS PATHETIC 4CHANNER WHY DO YOU EVEN TRY? TUMBLR WINS AS ALWAYS XDXDXD**"

When the pink one walked back into the monster world, all the monsters crowded around her door and stared at her.

"**STOP RAPING ME GOD**"

The scare container, which stored all the scares, was completely broken. The dials monitoring the boy's life lines were blaring the one unmistakable drone that reported that the child was no more. The scareboards broadcasted the announcement that the Pink One broke the scare record by a longshot.

"Hoomans are the true monsters," mutterd Celia Mae.

The announcement speaker yelled out, "_Pink one please report to the CEO. Pink One please report to the CEO."_


	4. Chapter 4

Henry J. Waternoose the Third was not happy. In fact, he was very, very angry.

"God fucking damn it, Pink One, you're literally burning this company to the ground. You just killed one of our most potential energy sources. Do this again and I'll have to let you go."

"**IS THIS REAL OMG I KNEW IT THE PATRIARCHY WAS REAL**"

"If you think I'm giving you this warning because you're a female then you're sadly mistaken, Ms. Pink One."

"**IM GONNA REPORT YOU TO THE MONSTER POLICE FOR ASSAULTING AND RAPING ME YOU FUCKING SHITLORD**"

"Now, hold on a minute. I didn't even fucking touch yo-"

Unfortunately for Henry J. Waternoose the Third, the RDA (Rape Detection Agency) crashed through the doors of his office to arrest him for unprovoked sexual assault. The RDA took Waternoose by his massive gray crab legs and carried the monster to their pink van to be tried and executed. All of the other monsters held their Monsters Inc hard hats to their withered, black monster hearts and watched as their company's most successful heir was taken away. Monstropolis was always thought to be a prosperous city, but without the direction of Waternoose, it was bound to fall.

"Maaaan, Im out bozoz. Waternoose ain't no rapist. Whoever framed him wanted his position. This company's corrupt as fuck yo. I'm done," yelled Randall as he threw down his hard hat and walked away, dragging his assistant Jeff Fungus along with him. Half of the other monsters who remained joined Randall to be recruited into the corporation's rivals.

"Wh-what are we gonna do without our boss?" cried Celia Mae.

"**WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR BOSS? IM YOUR NEW CEO LOL**"

The monsters turned to look at the tumblrite, whose hair somehow mutated from pink to purple.

"**FROM NOW ON YOU WILL NOW REFER TO ME AS THE PURPLE ONE SINCE I AM NO LONGER PINK OKAY.**"

All of the Monsters Inc employees nodded, half out of understanding and half out of fear.

"**FROM NOW ON THIS ESTABLISHMENT WILL BE KNOWN AS **_**TUMBLR, INC**_**. WE START WORK TOMORROW**"

All the monsters who chose to remain at Monsters Inc sighed, and all proceeded to make their ways home to their monster families. During the dead of the night, the monsters all sat in their beds, trying to find an answer to a question they all had in their minds. _How did it come to this?_


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing that the Purple One did in her position as the new CEO of Tumblr Inc was to make the building look and feel like the human website as much as possible. The Purple One sought to recreate Tumblr and all of its content, since it did not exist in the monster's world.

"**THERE ARE FIVE SIDES TO TUMBLR. THERE'S THE SOCIAL JUSTICE SIDE, THE FANDOM SIDE, THE ARTISTIC SIDE, THE PORN SIDE, AND THE RETARD SIDE. WE'RE GONNA REWRITE AND RECAPTURE THE BRILLIANCE OF TUMBLR SO THAT THE MONSTERS HAVE SOMETHING NEW TO CHERISH**"

The Purple One assigned various monsters to different sections of Tumblr. The tentacle monster was assigned to the porn side, George Sanderson (who was the infamous sock monster) was assigned to the retard side. The Purple One even got the Abominable Snowman to come out of the Himalayas to work on the artistic side since he was so good at making snow cones.

Each section had a station set up where monsters studied all of Tumblr's content, and proceeded to copy it in some way, shape or form. The only difference between the human's Tumblr and the monster's Tumblr was that all the pictures that included humans were replaced by monsters. Even the pictures that featured human arms being cut open by razor blades had to be recreated with monster arms. The Abominable Snowman had a hard time with the art section, since making shitty webcomics about how Star Trek isn't progressive was harder than making snow cones. George Sanderson had an easier time with the retard section, but he was not having fun writing posts about otherkins and ableism, among other things. In fact, the only monster who seemed to be enjoying his job was the tentacle monster, who had lots of fun recreating the mountain of porn Tumblr produced.

Meanwhile, the Purple One was smuggling in her female SJW friends from the human world to help her give these monsters an experience they never asked for. All of the SJWs all looked for the same, except for the hair color, which went wild in every way you could imagine.


	6. Chapter 6

On the third day of work, the Purple One was patrolling Tumblr Inc with her army of SJWs, spectating the reconstruction of Tumblr. A large majority of the remaining employees had already quit, and the only workers that remained was the tentacle monster and the abominable snowman. Any workers that refused to cooperate or threatened to take the company down were reported to the RDA to be arrested and executed. The squad of Tumblrites noticed that the tentacle monster wasn't working at his station.

"**GODDAMMIT TENTACLE MONSTER WHY AINT YOU WORKIN**"

"_I've already finished,_" replied the mouths on the tentacles of the tentacle monster.

"**OMG THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE HERE GIVE ME THE COMPUTER**"

The Purple One quickly skimmed through a large majority of the monster world's Tumblr. She found that, indeed, the tentacle monster had completed his task. Every single piece of pornography that was on Tumblr was recreated.

"**HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TENTACLE MONSTER ITS THE WAGE GAP ISN'T IT**"

"_I am very skilled at pornography_," said the tentacle monster, "_it was easy for a tentacle monster such as I. Besides, the only thing Tumblr is good for is porn._"

"**BUT WHAT ABOUT SOCIAL JUSTICE? WHAT ABOUT THE FANDOMS? WHAT ABOUT THE FIGHT AGAINST 4CHAN AND REDDIT AND THE PATRIARCHY? EVERYWHERE I GO I GET TRIGGERED AND INSULTED CAUSE IM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE LOL**"

"_The internet is the wrong place for you._"

"**WELL WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW YOU… YOU SOGGY KNEE**"

"_This_."

The Tentacle Monster's tentacles moved in a blur, and stabbed all of the Purple One's associates, each with one tentacle. They were dying slow enough to see the fall of their master. The last words that poured out was something among the lines of, "m-muh soggy knee." The tentacle monster saved the rest of his tentacles all for the Purple One, who was looking around wildly, confused as to why someone would want to kill her. Several tentacles came rushing forward, stabbing her over and over again in every place imaginable. Pink blood came pouring out, like a fountain, which the tentacles sucked up lovingly. Skulls were crushed, bones were broken, and pink stains were cleaned.

Eventually, the only thing that remained was a large pile of greasy, brightly colored hairs. Tumblr Inc was deathly quiet. When the tentacle monster finished feasting, he sat comfortably in his station, listening to the sound of silence. After a long period of silence, the only other employee of Tumblr Inc, the abominable snowman, came trudging up to the tentacle monster. His face was filled with confusion at the absence of his boss.

"Oh gee wiz, what happened, tentacle monster? Why's there this giant pile of gross hairs?" asked the abominable snowman. The tentacle monster had only one reply.

"_It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down__._"


End file.
